Letters by Kenny Mah

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Love (handles) me tender

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September 11, 2008

Hey you,

It’s an unmentionable secret. Mostly unmentionable because my closest and dearest friends have sworn to disown me if I ever complained of my ever expanding waistline in their presence for the umpteenth time. Naturally, considering the wide exposure I’ve given this topic that is very close to my heart (or belly, as it were), it hasn’t been much of a secret lately.

Some would (erroneously, I assure you) point out that I have the trim figure of a fine broomstick; others would wail at the amount I consume during my usual 6 to 8 meals each day, not realizing it all goes somewhere. That somewhere being my lower midsection, of course — the throne of my gastrointestinal system, the solid Goodyear tires encircling my formerly slender waist…

So. Yes. I’m fat.

However, my nearest and dearest may have a point after all. I do yak on incessantly about it but, as with most adoring fans of self-pity and witless whining, I haven’t done much about it. Till now.

Maybe it’s the fact I’m turning 30 in a few months. Maybe it’s seeing all those nasty advertisements of fitness centers splattered on billboards all along our highways, you know, the ones with the bloody six-pack abs? Maybe it’s putting on my favorite pair of pants and realizing it’s just a wee too tight…

Yeah, probably that last one.

Whatever the cause, the sum effect is simply this: I am determined to start working out again and tone up my body and get fitter & healthier. And darn it, fit into that pair of pants!

Hey, you guys get to win too. At least, if I succeed, you never ever have to hear about me gripe about my l@ve h%ndles again. Now, wouldn’t that be nice for a change?

Postscript. Here’s an alternate version of Elvis Presley’s Love Me Tender I came up with, just for you:

Love handles me tender
Love handles me sweet
Never calls me fat
And if I’m flabby, you don’t mind a bit
Cos you like it liddat.

Love handles me tender
Love handles me true
I eat until I’m far too full
For my darlin’ I can go to loo
And release what made me full…

Love handles me tender
Love handles me long
I’ll eat liver, kidney, even heart
For in my tummy that’s where they belong
Till it’s time for me to fart.

Love handles me tender
Love handles me dear
Your Lil Fatty will be true
All the weight I’ve gained through all these years
Baby, I gained them for you!

Yours always and always,

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